The Emotional Journey from High School to College

Understanding the Emotional Journey from High School to College

By Robin Stern, Ph.D. and Juliana McDowell

As the summer before senior year approaches, many parents brace themselves for the whirlwind of the college application process. Many families are well on their way in junior year – conversations about college, campus visits, SAT prep and testing. What often goes unspoken, however, is just how emotionally charged this chapter can be—not just for students, but for families as a whole.

The senior year of high school isn’t just a time of deadlines and decisions; it’s a profound period of self-discovery and emotional growth. What students are experiencing goes far beyond choosing where to apply or which major to consider. Questions like “What am I interested in?” and “Where do I want to go?” quickly morph into deeper inquiries of “Where will I fit in?” and “What if I am not as smart as I think I am?” These aren’t just logistical decisions. They’re personal, developmental milestones—filled with uncertainty, hope, and, at times, many big emotions.

Most students, whether they show it or not, are riding an internal rollercoaster. As one high school senior, and one of the authors of this piece, described it: “I’ve learned that emotions aren’t something to be feared or suppressed, but rather understood and managed.” This insight didn’t come easily. It came through trial and error, deep reflection, and tools that helped them recognize and regulate the complex feelings that come with growing up and stepping out.

One such set of tools to navigate this emotion-filled time is an emotional intelligence approach developed at the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence called RULER. It teaches five key skills: Recognizing, Understanding, Labeling, Expressing, and Regulating emotions. Learning these skills can be helpful in navigating the college process and, of course, college years and beyond. For rising seniors, the ability to recognize emotions—like identifying a constant pit in the stomach as a physical clue to having underlying anxiety about the future—can be transformative. Naming it is the first step towards addressing and regulating emotions. Identifying emotions are data points that can inform better decisions.

Some students turn to tools like the How We Feel app to help choose the accurate name for what they’re feeling—whether it’s overwhelmed, insecure, hopeful, or proud. This clarity builds self-awareness and empowers them to respond with healthier strategies that best ‘fit’ the moment and the feeling. For instance, when feeling flooded during a college tour, one student turned to deep breathing to find calm. When conversations with friends stirred up self-doubt and anxiety about the future, they leaned on reframing—shifting their focus to possibilities and that the unpleasant emotion of insecurity was temporary, “this too shall pass.”

Parents often wonder: What can I do to help? The answer starts with recognizing that this is not just your child’s logistical journey; it’s an emotional one, with ups and downs along the way. One of the greatest gifts you can offer is to be a calm, supportive presence and an active listener, without judgment. Sometimes that means stepping back and letting your teen process on their own. Other times, it means setting healthy boundaries around how often college is discussed at home. And at key moments, it means being someone they can come to for co-thinking, perspective, reassurance, or simply a listening ear.

Emotional intelligence isn’t only a student skill—it’s a family skill. During this time of change, parents are also navigating their own mix of emotions: pride, nostalgia, anxiety, and hope. Modeling your own emotional awareness—naming your feelings, expressing them with care, and regulating your reactions—can make a world of difference in how your child experiences this year.

It’s also natural for parents to be juggling their own questions and uncertainties: Will my child get into a school they really want? Will they find good friends? Will they be happy there? Have I prepared them enough? Will they be safe? Will they be resilient and kind in the world without me nearby? These concerns can sit quietly beneath the surface or show up in moments of tension. While not all of these feelings need to be shared with your child, they do deserve your attention. When parents notice and deal with their own feelings they will be better able to create space for productive, empathic conversations—ones that invite trust, connection, and growth.

As students prepare to leave home, many of them are beginning to think more deeply about who they are and how they relate to the world around them. Students who thrive emotionally during this transition are often those who feel seen and supported by the adults in their lives, not for their achievements, but for who they are becoming. To all the parents standing at the edge of this transition: know that your presence matters. Your active listening matters. Your empathy matters. In these moments of change, your unconditional love is the anchor that grounds them, the compass that guides them, and the soft place they can always return to, no matter how far they roam.

Robin Stern, PhD, is the co-founder and senior adviser to the director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, a psychoanalyst in private practice, the author of “The Gaslight Effect Recovery Guide” and the host of “The Gaslight Effect” podcast.

Juliana McDowell is a senior at Lick-Wilmerding High School in San Francisco, California, with a passion for studying psychology and neuroscience. She is looking forward to spending time with friends and family this year and is excited to dive into college in the fall of 2025.