How To Raise Healthy Strivers in a Hyper-Competitive World

With back-to-school season approaching, I have a mix of emotions. I feel sad that summer is ending, relieved to get back to a routine, and excited to see how my kids will grow and learn. However, I also feel cautious about the intense messages of achievement and success that my teens, who attend high-achieving schools, will face.

They are not alone. Researchers have found that 1 in 3 American adolescents, totaling 14 million kids, feel excessive pressure to achieve. These students are now considered an “at-risk” group, with higher chances of experiencing clinical levels of anxiety, depression, and substance abuse disorder compared to the average American teen.

We can teach them how to be healthy strivers

The good news is that we can combat the toxic pressure of achievement our kids face and teach them how to be healthy strivers. Through my research for my book “Never Enough,” I discovered actions we can take at home, in school, and on the sports field to protect our young people from increasing levels of anxiety, depression, and loneliness.

In my book, I sought out kids who were thriving despite the pressure. I wanted to find out what they had in common: their home life, parents’ focus, school environment, relationships with peers, and sense of community. What stood out was that these successful kids felt valued by their parents for who they were beyond their achievements.

Pressure, anxiety, depression, and loneliness in our kids is an unmet need to feel valued unconditionally

When we talk about the pressure our kids face, we’re really discussing their need to feel valued unconditionally for their true selves. Kids are bombarded with messages that their value lies in their achievements rather than their intrinsic worth. Parents of healthy strivers create a safe haven at home where kids can feel valued and never have to prove their worth.

Feeling valued is not separate from performance. These parents still have expectations but communicate them in a way that preserves their child’s self-worth. When we feel valued, we show up in positive ways at home and school, with a healthy motivation to strive for more and bounce back from setbacks.

Here are ways to make home a haven from the pressure and to encourage wise striving in our kids

1. Delight in them

Show your kids how much you love them by greeting them with joy when they come home. Take time to express your love and appreciation for them.

2. Strive to be a good enough parent

Your kids don’t need perfection; they need love and guidance. Teach them self-acceptance by modeling it yourself.

3. Be a balance keeper

Teach your kids self-care skills by ensuring they have playtime, downtime, and family time every day.

4. Get curious, not furious

Instead of focusing on outcomes, understand why your child may be struggling and support them in learning how to improve.

5. Finally, lead with lunch

Show interest in your child beyond their achievements by asking about simple things like their lunch, taking the pressure off performance-related conversations.

By creating a safe and supportive home environment, we give our kids a strong foundation to pursue their goals and a place to recover. When we show unconditional love, our children understand that they are valued for who they are, not just what they achieve.

More Great Reading

Never Enough: What Parents Can Do to Push Back on Achievement Pressure