Helping kids cope with negative feelings

© 2018-2024 Gwen Dewar, Ph.D., all rights reserved

Emotion coaching is the practice of tuning into children’s feelings, and helping kids learn to cope with — and regulate — negative emotions like fear, anger, and sadness. As proposed by psychologist John Gottman, the practice includes these key components:

• becoming aware of emotions, even low-intensity emotions, in yourself and your child;
• viewing negative emotions as opportunities for “intimacy or teaching”;
• accepting and validating your children’s feelings;
• helping your child describe and label emotions with words; and (when a child has calmed down)
• talking with your child about practical strategies for dealing with the situations that trigger difficult emotions.

Does this approach make a difference? Yes. But it isn’t always easy, especially if your child struggles with lots of intense, negative emotions. So it’s helpful to be conscious of the process, and practice the art of staying calm yourself. Here’s an overview of emotion coaching and its effects, with some tips for becoming a more effective emotion coach.

Tuning in: Why kids need us to empathize

Their bodies might be small, but the same can’t be said for their emotional reactions. Young children encounter lots of frustrations and reasons for negativity. They are frequently beset by emotions like anger, sadness, anxiety, and fear.