Life.
Stressful. Confusing. Boring. And sometimes just plain absurd or unbelievable.
One thing that always helps me on days like that or in such situations is a good laugh (or three of them).
So in today’s post I’d like to share 175 of the most relatable and hilarious quotes about life.
I hope these witty and funny sayings will help you to release some stress about your day or week.
Help you find a new and more positive and light perspective when things have gone into the bad or absurd zone.
And maybe help you to help out a friend or a colleague who is having a rough day and needs a good chuckle and some positive energy.
Hilarious Quotes About Life
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
– Steven Wright
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
– W. C. Fields
“You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.”
– Joan Rivers
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
– Doug Larson
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
– Will Rogers
“Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.”
– Elbert Hubbard
“Reality continues to ruin my life.”
– Bill Watterson
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?’”
– Sydney J. Harris
“I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time.”
– Charles M. Schulz
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
– Mitch Hedberg
“Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night.”
– Rebecca Romijn
“I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it’s like a circus in my head.”
– Steven Wright
“I’m killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness.”
– Bill Watterson
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
– Ellen DeGeneres
“Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.”
– Isaac Asimov
“The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.”
– Oscar Wilde
“Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.”
– Stephen Hawking
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
– Bill Watterson
“When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.”
– Cathy Guisewite
“Life is what happens to us while we are making other plans.”
– Allen Saunders
“Life is a lot like jazz… it’s best when you improvise.”
– George Gershwin
“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”
– Chris Rock
“Sometimes I wish I had a terrible childhood, so that at least I’d have an excuse.”
– Jimmy Fallon
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
– Jerry Seinfeld
Hilarious Quotes and Sayings About Work and Motivation
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
– A. A. Milne
“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?”
– Edgar Bergen
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
– Joe Girard
“Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.”
– Mark Twain
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
– Zig Ziglar
“Whatever women do, they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.”
– Charlotte Whitton
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
– George Carlin
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.”
– Charles Lamb
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”
– Oscar Wilde
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.”
– Alexander Woollcott
“I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.”
– Jerome K. Jerome
“No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.”
– Groucho Marx
“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.”
– Albert Einstein
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
– Scott Adams
“The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.”
– Terry Pratchett
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
– Thomas A. Edison
“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.”
– Samuel Goldwyn
“I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.”
– Joan Rivers
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.”
– Bill Murray
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
– Groucho Marx
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
– Albert Einstein
Hilarious Quotes About Aging and Getting Old
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
– Sir Norman Wisdom
“You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.”
– Bob Hope
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
– Helen Rowland
“The older you get, the better you get. Unless you’re a banana.”
– Betty White
“I’m at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out.”
– Unknown
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
– George Burns
“Age is something that doesn’t matter unless you are a cheese.”
– Luis Bunuel
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
– Betty White
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’”
– Claude Pepper
“Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.”
– Anthony Burgess
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”
– Lucille Ball
“The secret source of humor itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”
– Mark Twain
“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”
– George Burns
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”
– Phyllis Diller
“Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you’re aboard, there’s nothing you can do.”
– Golda Meir
“The older I get, the better I used to be.”
– Lee Trevino
“I’m very pleased to be here. Let’s face it, at my age, I’m very pleased to be anywhere.”
– George Burns
“You’re only as old as the woman you feel.”
– Groucho Marx
“When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the things that never happened.”
– Mark Twain
“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
– Betty White
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.”
– Ellen DeGeneres
“I don’t need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.”
– Stephen Fry
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
– Phyllis Diller
“You know you’re getting old when everything hurts. And what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.”
– Hy Gardner
“Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.”
– Joey Adams
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Hilarious Quotes About Family, Love and Marriage
“By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you will be happy. If you get a bad one, you will be a philosopher.”
– Socrates
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
– Rita Rudner
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”
– Groucho Marx
“Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?”
– Phyllis Diller
“Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.”
– Jules Renard
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
– Will Ferrell
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
– Erma Bombeck
“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.”
– Rodney Dangerfield
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
– Ann Landers
“My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.”
– Jimmy Durante
“Marriage is like an unfunny, tense version of Everybody Loves Raymond, but it doesn’t last 22 minutes. It lasts forever.”
– Pete (from the movie Knocked Up)
“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”
– Damien Fahey
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”
– Phyllis Diller
“If it weren’t for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn’t get any exercise at all.”
– Joey Adams
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
– Nora Ephron
“My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.”
– Rose (from the TV-show The Golden Girls)
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”
– Buddy Hackett
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.”
– Phyllis Diller
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare.”
– Ed Asner
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
– Rodney Dangerfield
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip
“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.”
– Mae West
“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
– Socrates
“My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.’”
– Paula Poundstone
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
– Jim Carrey
“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
– Rita Rudner
“You go through life wondering what is it all about but at the end of the day it’s all about family.”
– Rod Stewart
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
– Carrie Underwood
“As far as I’m concerned, ‘whom’ is a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler.”
– Calvin Trillin
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.”
– H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
“Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.”
– Pauline Thomason
Hilarious Quotes About Friendship and Your Best Friend
“A good friend will help you
