Deal with Your Anger with These 15 Calming Actions

Learn to diffuse your anger before you lash out or look foolish.

You definitely know anger when you feel it. It sometimes shows up as irritation, indignation, or frustration. On the high end of the anger intensity scale, you might find yourself screaming like a banshee, slamming doors, or even throwing a punch. This explosive anger generally leads to regret — unless you know how to calm yourself down.

1. Acknowledge the feelings.

Anger is an emotion that doesn’t necessarily reflect reality. When we are absorbed in anger, we often have knee-jerk reactions because the emotions feel so real and powerful.

Emotions come and go but behavior has long-lasting consequences. When you’re angry, try to remind yourself that it’s just a feeling, and it will pass soon enough. Sit with the feeling for a few minutes without saying or doing anything. If you feel like crying, then do so if it helps relieve the tension.

2. Breathe for five minutes.

Anger causes many physical reactions — a rush of adrenaline, increased heart rate, tightening of muscles, and rapid breathing. When you manage these physical symptoms, you can begin to calm your mind as well.

If possible, close your eyes and take five minutes to practice abdominal breathing. Count each breath up to ten, saying the number on the out breath. Do this several times until you feel your heart rate slow down and your body relax.

3. Excuse yourself.

If another person triggers your anger, excuse yourself from them before you respond. Say something like, “I need to step away for a moment,” and leave the room so you can manage your feelings and practice breathing privately.

It might feel good in the moment to scream and yell or respond with a snarky comment, but you know this isn’t the best way to react, even if the other person is behaving badly. Taking a walk outside, going for a run, or exercising in some way can help diffuse the angry feelings.

4. Identify the root.

When you’re calmer, ask yourself what really made you so angry. How did you feel threatened? This requires some deeper self-inquiry. You might say initially you were angry with your spouse because “He acts like a jerk.” But what is really behind that feeling?

Use this question template to help you: “When my husband (wife, boss, etc.) says (does) _______, it makes me feel ________.” Don’t use the word “angry” or any related word to describe your feelings. Dig out the threat behind the anger. Maybe it makes you feel diminished, unloved, disrespected, stupid, etc.

5. Examine the feelings.

When you come up with the word or words that describe the threat you feel, examine those feelings more closely. Sometimes the feelings are legitimate, healthy responses to unjustified or undeserved treatment.

Other times it’s not so clear. Perhaps someone makes an offhand remark, but you interpret it negatively because you have low self-esteem, or you’re simply feeling tired. Try to step outside of yourself to view the situation with dispassionate eyes.

6. Use the balloon or box trick.

There are some situations that trigger anger, but they aren’t worth expending much time or mental energy. Let’s say someone cuts you off while driving or someone makes a passive-aggressive comment about you. These situations are fleeting and likely won’t happen again with the same person.

Try to visualize your anger as an orb of energy and mentally place it in a balloon. Then release the balloon and imagine it floating away and out of sight. Or mentally put the situation and your anger in a box and put it on a shelf to sort out later when you’re calmer.

7. Write about it.

Related Topics:ActionsAngerCalmingDeal

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