3 Ways Parents Can Better Listen to Teens

Having raised two children, I have firsthand experience with the joys and challenges of parenting teenagers.

During my kids’ high school years, it often felt like I was constantly repeating myself. But I never stopped to consider – was I truly listening to my teens?

Teenagers also need to feel heard. If parents fail to actively listen to their children, they may inadvertently suppress their voices.

The adolescent years, spanning from ages 10 to 17, are a time of significant change and growth. Studies suggest that this phase may be the most challenging in an individual’s life.

If teenagers feel like their thoughts are being ignored during this already tumultuous period, it can lead to frustration and resentment. As teens navigate physical changes, social pressures, and the aftermath of a global pandemic, the importance of listening to them becomes even more crucial.

In my role as a family life coach, I have witnessed the negative impact of disregarding teenagers’ voices. I recommend three strategies for parents to improve their communication with their teens:

1. Creating a Space for Teen Expression

Teens need a safe environment where they can freely express themselves. Without this space, parents miss a crucial step in listening to their teens.

A safe space entails allowing teens to share without interruptions, judgments, or distractions. Parents should convey that they are there to understand their teens’ thoughts and feelings without criticism. It’s essential for parents to recognize the struggle for independence that teenagers face – they are in a phase of transition between childhood and adulthood.

Creating a safe space also involves being mindful of the timing of conversations. Listening to teens at a time that suits them and makes them comfortable is crucial.

Without a safe space, teens may disengage from parents and seek support and advice solely from their peers.

Parents, listening is essential: it is the cornerstone of building deeper connections.

2. Give Grace and Acknowledge Feelings

When listening to your teens, show them grace.

Teenagers make mistakes – after all, didn’t you make many as a teen yourself? Remind your teens that you love them unconditionally.

Encourage self-compassion in your teens. Teaching them to quiet their inner critic and practice grace towards themselves, especially in challenging situations, contributes to their mental well-being.

Parents should also validate the emotions expressed by their teens.

Guiding teens in processing their emotions by helping them label and understand them fosters self-awareness. Self-awareness enables individuals to be more in tune with their emotions and comprehend them better.

Teens feel listened to when parents actively assist them in acknowledging difficult emotions.

3. Be Sure to Guide, Not Dictate

The way parents respond during conversations with their teens significantly affects the communication dynamics.

Instead of reacting defensively with questions like “why,” parents should steer the conversation with thoughtful inquiries that gently redirect and guide.

Here are some coaching questions to enhance effective communication with your teen:

• Question for Reflection: Can you tell me what you were thinking in that moment?

This question encourages teens to reflect on their thoughts and provides insight into their perspective without sounding accusatory.

• Question for Future Planning: How can we collaborate to prevent a similar situation in the future?

By framing the question as a joint effort, you engage your teen in problem-solving and future planning, emphasizing shared responsibility.

• Question for Emotional Expression: What emotions were you feeling at that time, and how can I better support you in managing them?

This question acknowledges the emotional aspect of the situation, encouraging an open discussion about feelings and providing an opportunity for mutual understanding.

Therefore, when conversing with your teen, remember that the aim is to guide them through the discussion rather than dictate answers. Approach them with curiosity and a genuine desire to understand, creating a space for open communication and collaboration.

By encouraging teens to speak up and share their opinions, parents empower them and help them thrive.