Father’s Day is that special day of the year when we not only celebrate our dads for their love and support but also for their bad dad jokes and barbecue mastery.
So in today’s post I’d like to give you a hand with that and share 100 of the wittiest and most relatable funny Fathers’s Day quotes.
Share one or a few of them with your dad or a father figure via a card. In a text message or on social media like Instagram.
Or simply tell him a couple of them today to make him laugh about fatherhood and the many fierce challenges he has no doubt met so far.
Funny Father’s Day Quotes with Relatable Laughs
“When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant, I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”
– Mark Twain
“Having a 2-year-old is like having a blender without a lid.”
– Jerry Seinfeld
“Raising kids may be a thankless job with ridiculous hours, but at least the pay sucks.”
– Jim Gaffigan
“I rescind my early statement, ‘I could never fall in love with a girl who regularly poops her pants.’ I hadn’t met my daughter yet.”
– Dax Shepard
“I would rather drink a piping hot bowl of liquid rabies than get on a plane with my two children. At two years old they just have to rip all their clothes off and introduce themselves to everyone on the plane. It’s just like, ‘Please can we land in a farmer’s field?’”
– Ryan Reynolds
“You know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
– Jim Gaffigan
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.”
– Jerry Seinfeld
“Having children is like living in a frat house. Nobody sleeps, everything’s broken and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
– Ray Romano
“Men should always change diapers. It’s a very rewarding experience. It’s mentally cleansing. It’s like washing dishes, but imagine if the dishes were your kids, so you really love the dishes.”
– Chris Martin
“Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.”
– Conan O’Brien
“Sometimes I am amazed that my wife and I created two human beings from scratch yet struggle to assemble the most basic of IKEA cabinets.”
– Greg Kinnear
“Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
– Martin Mull
“Booking plane tickets for a family trip is a fun little test to see if I still remember all my kids’ birthdays and genders.”
– Ken Jennings
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
– Andy Richter
“You don’t need drugs when you have a [baby]. You’re awake, you’re paranoid, you smell bad… it’s the same thing.”
– Robin Williams
“The worst part about being a parent is when one of your kids farts and you have to pretend it wasn’t cool.”
– Rob Delaney
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.”
– Lin-Manuel Miranda
“Having one child makes you a parent. Having two kids makes you a referee.”
– David Frost
“When you first get them… you’re all excited, and you’re ready to do all these things. Then you realize it’s like getting a new cell phone where all the features don’t work yet. It’s like a phone [that] won’t take pictures, and you’re like ‘Why won’t my phone take pictures?!’ And it won’t make calls, and it doesn’t do a lot. But it looks really cute!”
– Ashton Kutcher
“When you got more than one kid, you just wake up angry.”
– Kevin Hart
The Best Funny Father’s Day Quotes on Fatherhood
“The first one, I almost became a doula. I was reading every book. I was ready. This one I haven’t done anything. I’m like, ‘Well, we didn’t break the first one.’”
– Ashton Kutcher
“You have to be adaptable because they consistently keep changing. They’ll do something that blows your mind and then they’ll spit all their food on the carpet.”
– Neil Patrick Harris
“The only way I can describe fatherhood – it sounds stupid, but – at the end of How the Grinch Stole Christmas, you know how his heart grows like five times? Everything is full; It’s just full all the time.”
– Matt Damon
“The older I get, the smarter my father seems to get.”
– Tim Russert
“Remember: What Dad really wants is a nap. Really.”
– Dave Barry
“A father carries pictures where his money used to be.”
– Steve Martin
“I’ve been to war. I’ve raised twins. If I had a choice, I’d rather go to war.”
– George W. Bush
“Never underestimate kids’ tenacity. Raising a child is like wrestling a small but relentless opponent.”
– Stephen Colbert
“Having a kid is like falling in love for the first time when you’re 12, but every day.”
– Mike Myers
“The nature of impending fatherhood is that you are doing something that you’re unqualified to do, and then you become qualified while doing it.”
– John Green
“I learn things from my kids constantly. Most of their knowledge comes from Snapple caps.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.”
– Jon Stewart
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven visiting daddy’s freedom.”
– Ryan Reynolds
“I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.”
– Kevin Hart
“For fatherhood advice, try to look your child in the eye… get to know their name; that becomes important when you want something. And remember to feed them.
“That’s all you really need.” – Will Ferrell
“Before marriage, I had theories about raising children; now, I have no theories and six children.” – John Wilmot
“Parenting success is feeling like a failure all day, but knowing you get to try again tomorrow and hope they turn out okay.” – Justin Timberlake
“I used to not care about anyone’s children, but now I brag about the same things I never cared about. Parenting changes you.” – Seth Meyers
“Being a dad isn’t just about eating gummy bears while your wife gives birth. It means embracing the title of hero.” – Ryan Reynolds
“I make up songs and sing gibberish to my son. I’ve become quite good at gibberish.” – Elton John
“A man knows he’s getting old when he starts looking like his father.” – Gabriel Garcia Marquez
“When I asked my dad to take me to the zoo as a kid, he replied, ‘If the zoo wants you, let them come and get you.'” – Jerry Lewis
“I never got along with my dad. Kids used to say, ‘My dad can beat up your dad.’ I’d reply, ‘When?'” – Bill Hicks
“My daughter got me a ‘World’s Best Dad’ mug. So we know she’s being sarcastic.” – Bob Odenkirk
“The most ridiculous thing I’ve said is asking if my son wants his pop-pop, banky, or baba. Translation: pacifier, blanket, or bottle.” – Taye Diggs
“We wondered why kids laugh with dad but want mom when they have a smelly diaper.” – Erma Bombeck
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.” – Spike Milligan
“I gave my dad $100 and said, ‘Buy something that makes your life easier.’ He bought my mom a present.” – Rita Rudner
“Even though my dad invented the rearview mirror, we’re not as close as we seem.” – Stewart Francis
“When you’re young, your dad is Superman. When you grow up, he’s just a regular guy in a cape.” – Dave Attell
“My 4-year-old son gave me a Father’s Day card. Maybe I’ll draw him a picture of toys for Christmas.” – Jim Gaffigan
“Dad taught me everything, but unfortunately, he didn’t teach me everything he knows.” – Al Unser
“My son asked for a scary story, so I told him how little people popped out of his mom and never stopped asking questions.” – James Breakwell
“My dad and I used to play tag. He was always driving.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“To be a successful father, the rule is simple: don’t look at your kid for the first two years.” – Ernest Hemingway
“Why does my 3-year-old know dinosaur species and I can’t remember my phone number?” – Taye Diggs
“I used to say I would take a bullet for my wife, but when I looked into my baby’s eyes, I knew I’d use her as a human shield.” – Ryan Reynolds
“I want my son to wear a helmet all the time. If it were acceptable, he’d be in a full helmet and face cage.” – Will Arnett
“Getting a goldfish for your kid teaches them responsibility for 24-36 hours.” – Conan O’Brien
“Missing your child’s first walk proves you’re a father.” – Stephen Colbert
“When my kids say ‘Goodnight, Daddy,’ I always think, ‘You don’t mean that.'” – Jim Gaffigan
“My wife is analytical with raising kids, and I’m not. If they turn out good, it means I was a good dad. If not, they take after her family.” – Jeff Foxworthy
“The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, the second half by our children.” – Clarence Darrow
“Father’s Day is important because it’s the one day a year Brookstone does business.” – Jimmy Fallon
“By the time a man realizes his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.” – Charles Wadsworth
“Raising kids is part joy, part guerilla warfare.” – Ed Asner
“Fatherhood brings out the child in us all, reminding us of the fascination we had with things and the joy of spending time with someone.” – Chris Hemsworth
“If you’re not yelling at your kids, you’re not spending enough time with them.” – Mark Ruffalo
“My sisters and I still remember Dad’s grilling rules: Dad is in charge, repeat Rule No. 1.” – Connie Schultz
“The best Father’s Day gift would be finding Dad’s old undershorts and giving them back.” – Dave Barry
“My father’s greatest gift to me was believing in me.” – Jimmy Valvano
“My children’s happiness and safety are my top priorities.” “I would do anything to protect them.” – John Krasinski
“Burping my little one when she needs it is the most satisfying thing in my life right now. It’s truly a moment of pure joy.” – Brad Pitt
“A father’s words set the tone in the house like a thermostat.” – Paul Lewis
“Raising teenagers should be considered an affliction. It takes everything you’ve got.” – Will Smith
“If you’re happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep.” – Jim Gaffigan
“I’ve been wrapped around my daughter’s finger since the day she was born. It’s the greatest feeling ever.” – Ryan Reynolds
“I watch my daughter wanting to fit in with other kids and feeling upset when she doesn’t. But I always remind her that she’s perfect just the way she is.” – Idris Elba
“Being a father is the best thing ever. It inspires me to be a better person.” – Ashton Kutcher
“I may not be the coolest guy in my daughters’ eyes, especially when I dance, but I’m okay with that. Dads aren’t supposed to be cool.” – Tim McGraw
“I have a lot of kids. I say a lot because I honestly don’t know the exact number.” – Jim Gaffigan
“I hope I can be at least half the dad that he didn’t have to be.” – Brad Paisley
“The best way to give advice to your children is to understand what they want and then encourage them to follow their dreams.” – Harry S. Truman
“My father taught me more by example in one week than I could in 50 years of talking.” – Mario Cuomo
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“Good parenting means investing in your child’s future. I’m saving up to buy my child a hoverboard someday.” – Lin Manuel Miranda
“The best fathers have the softest hearts, like real marshmallows.” – Richelle E. Goodrich
“Being a great father is like shaving. No matter how well you did it today, you have to do it again tomorrow.” – Reed Markham
“Dads are ordinary men turned into heroes, adventurers, storytellers, and singers by love.” – Pam Brown
“My father taught me the value of hard work, laughter, and keeping my word.” – Michelle Obama
“Success and life itself wouldn’t mean much without my children by my side. They are everything to me.” – Jude Law
“Dads are often taken for granted. Just listen to the radio, it’s all about moms. Where’s the dad song? ‘Papa Was a Rolling Stone.'” – Chris Rock
“I’ve never been part of anything as great as my three kids.” – Al Roker
“The quality of a father is reflected in the goals, dreams, and aspirations he sets for himself and his family.” – Reed Markham
“Anyone can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad.” – Wade Boggs
“A girl’s father is the first man in her life and the most influential.” – David Jeremiah
“He didn’t tell me how to live, he lived, and let me watch him do it.” – Clarence B. Kelland
“A father is a man who expects his son to be as good a man as he meant to be.” – Frank A. Clark
“Any man can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad.” – Anne Geddes
“Life doesn’t come with an instruction book, that’s why we have fathers.” – H. Jackson Browne
For more inspiration for Father’s Day and this summer, check out the short Happy Father’s Day quotes, inspirational Father’s Day quotes, inspirational June quotes, inspirational summer quotes, and funny summer quotes. Please rewrite this sentence for me.
